Further evidence of freakiness

I'm such a control freak. I realized to what extent yesterday when Angela and I were driving to church. It was dusk--that fifteen minute window when everyone realizes it's time to turn the headlights on--and rather than follow Angela's suggestion to put my lights on auto and let Pearl the Murano decide when she wants to turn her own lights on, I opted to turn them on manually. I want headlight control. Perhaps this doesn't make me a control freak. Perhaps I just have trust issues and I don't fully believe in Pearl's ability to detect darkness and do something about it. I drove Angela's vehicle one day last week (Onyx we call her) and Angela always leaves her lights on auto, but I switched them to manual out of habit. When we swapped vehicles again and Angela was on her way home from work, this small error caused her to drive halfway home in the semi-darkness before she realized her lights weren't on. Dear me. The effects of my issues are far-reaching.

Here's another insecurity. Yesterday I went to Ulta to buy shampoo and realized just how ugly beauty stores make me feel. All of the cosmetologists and cashiers look great with perfect hair and make-up, and then there's me, lumbering in with my men's Keen shoes on, faded Levis, and with messy curly hair that has been smashed down by headphones. I did leave my Kiss FM jacket in the car though so I wouldn't draw negative attention to the radio station. I just feel insecure around hotties, that's all. I always feel like they're judging my lack of hotness and wondering whether or not I'll ever get a clue. (Did you know the Pussycat Dolls are convinced that, inside every woman there is a Pussycat Doll just waiting to get out? I don't know about that. Perhaps there's an Ellen in some of us. Or a Pussycat Doll in cargo pants.) Thankfully, this judged feeling only lasts an instant. Once I'm back in Pearl and on the way home I'm thinking about how excited I am to see the puppies and eat a sandwich and I have no worries. Happiness doesn't come from hotness I've found.

Happiness doesn't come from being a control freak either. I'll work on that.