Choose optimism

I've been stressed out lately about things I can't really blog about, and I've withdrawn a bit. And that has made me think about why my natural instinct is to slink back into myself in the face of conflict or uncertain/frightening cirucmstances, instead of living with a little more conviction that everything is going to be okay. I know in my heart that it will be and I'm making every effort to choose optimism, but I still have that uncertain feeling underneath it all that wonders if it truly will be. Just being perfectly honest. I think that's a natural thing to wonder. God hasn't let me down to this point in my life, and that should serve as proof enough that I have nothing to worry about. My faith will surely grow from the experience. Choose optimism Jen. You silly goose.

I have even withdrawn from Angela a bit. She's not part of the problem and she's been doing everything she can to keep the love, encouragement, cards, and refrigerator notes coming, and while all of that helps I haven't felt like talking all that much. That started to change yesterday. Angela called me from work and said we were going to put up Christmas decorations and enjoy the holiday cheer, like "Come on, silly! Tinsel is fun!" She's absolutely right. We put up a little tree and a few other decorations last night and we had fun doing it, and it helped to do something outwardly cheery. I knew it would. It's just the act of getting to that point--the motivation--that is the hard part.

Retreating is a defense mechanism and it keeps me safe, but I'm tired of being safe. There's nothing to be learned from safety I say. So dang it, today I'm going to make a better effort to make my focus outward and expect that everything is going to turn out better than I ever thought it would. Struggles are okay as long as you learn from them and take something positive from them once you move on. And I'm ready to move on. So here's to the good things ahead...

I think I just chose optimism. For real. Yay!